Pre-nuptual project - phase 4

Moving closer towards the wedding, I am not saying am paranoid, but yes I do have my fears, n i hope they dont materialize but only become a laughing matter over the years only to be mentioned in my "Best Wife Award" speech.

So, while I was inviting my male friends from work/college/school time for the wedding, I asked them whats their idea of "ideal wife". Some answers were shocking, while some just were validated with evidence on what we ordinarily thaught was a myth or a cliche. Here's what I got:

1. From my school friend Anas, he's an MBA working for a big shot advertizing company,  so clearly he'd not say something without any market research. he's single and looking at the moment. this is what he said, which I think will make his search a bit more difficult than it already is :

"Cooks well... thoda bohot gives bhaav to husband's ego...

some times takes his case also just to remind him that even though I am sweet I can be a bitch too...
and has good looking friends
Gives some space... like 1 day in a week where he can hang out with his friends without her being there.."
 
 
2. From my boss, this guy is a "Senior Analyst Risk Management" again with an MBA degree, and has two wives (yes!! u read that right). hence why you got to take it from this man (please read it in a heavy arabic accent for kicks):
 
" Wallahi!! Maahjabeen it iz very eeezzy....just take care of the man ...what hez wearing....what hez eeething...ekzethra...if he looks good....you will look good....thatzz all...bas khallas...my first wife dhont know...second wife, she cuth my nailzz alzo... so nice... see!!"
 
3. From my ex colleague now friend- Zahoor, hes a CFO and Finance Manager for a recruitment consultancy and very recently married. how can you not consider what he's talking:

"There's something about our ego- I won't tell her that am low but I need attention too..pampering and all that...we need it too. You have to be like a girl friend who motivates him to be the best and also the wife who accepts his weakness no matter what."

Escuse me, for I need to learn some circus tricks to entertain this man am gonna marry  (if thats the only thing left to do) .

Pre-Nuptual Project- Phase 3

I need to stop obsessing about my upcoming wedding, coz my friends think i have become a person who is a  hyper ball of self centeredness that detroys everything in its path and that who ocassionally turns into a lazy good for nothing sloth who cant be bothered with no shit. And also coz I just googled and found out that in India alone around 1,00,00000 weddings take place in a year, so mine will be just another one and thankfully nothing like the ones that are not accounted for like -  all the child marriages and those like marrying random trees to ward of that bad omen or a frog wedding ceremony to bring rain and lady who married 4 brothers (I love my country and I am proud of its rich and varied heritage).

So I will take these 25 days to spend good quality time with my mom and dad, shopping for me and my family (now and future), pampering my preganant sister, having those long chit chats with my friends and appreciating all those lovely people in my life that I might not meet that often anymore like:

1. My neighbors 4 yr old daughter who is my biggest fan and wants me to put make up for her and teach her dance moves (am not good at any of those). She taught me gujrati in return.

2. My cousins- the ones in India, who keep calling me for if I need anything and the ones in Kuwait who think I am uber cool to hang out with even if they are in high school (and I am clearly not) and also my cousins kids - those cute lil brats, I was asked to discipline at every family gathering (It has gone unnoticed, that am really good at yelling)

3. All my colleagues with all sorts of weird personalities (am sure they say the same about me), yes even habib - the office boy who discusses his marital problems with me (y me?) and also those who thought my work was to check their letters and memos for grammatical errors. (I once read this on somebody's staff appraisal form by my Manager : Improve your English for better career bath!!-I did not correct it just like tht). And my secret gang of gals, its crazy how much time we must have collectively spent on discussing men/makeup and hating our bosses. And ofcourse my boss who advices me not to get married (FYI he has two wives- this man, wins my admiration and pity at the same time)

4. The children of our family friends- who pretended to be my best friends whenever we meet. I appreciate that you all pretended to like me, in return i did the same only coz our parents were friends. I hope we are even. Together we managed to get through those weekly torture sessions they called- Picnic.

5. My Friends moms, who always welcomed me in their homes, inticed me with yummy food to complain abt their kids notorious activities as they thut i was the only good influence in their life. They assure me that I am doing something right somewhere. (yet humble)

6. Those friends I made at markaz, who made those sermons fun by forwarding msgs via bluetooth and later whatsapp. Dont judge me, it can get painfully long sometimes and I dont have a great deal of attention span and they serve food only at the end. (somewhere someday a mulla saab will read this and hate me)

7. And last but not the least how can we forget the Aunties, I am sorry my lovelies I did all that was possible to dodge u as I thut you were bent on making me miserable with your curiosity over my wedding date but now I know that it was only your unconditional love and care.

With all the love and blessings that surround me, I am just overwhelmed. (escuse me)

Pre-Nuptual Project- Phase 2

Do you get anxiety attacks?

Do you feel like an ugly goat every time you look in the mirror?

Do you practise your smile in front of the mirror every chance you get?

Do you treat your friends like your slaves?

Do you try all your wedding dresses over and over again?

Do you break into tears over things as small as- "cant find matching nail polish"?

Do you get sleepless nights over gift wrapping?

Do you feel like throwing all your money away on anything that says "exclusively bridal"?

Do you secretly hate all your relatives/friends who are excited about coming to your wedding?

Do you constantly refer to bridal magazines, even to see how to walk?

Do you get worry pimples over your stress pimples?

Do you suddenly feel an unreasonable attachment to your old clothes/books/shoes/etc.?

Do you feel that your own behaviour is irritating you?

Do you find yourself agreeing to anything that anyone says?

Do you feel fat?

If your answer to any or all of these questions is yes, then hop onto the train ride to "sasural-ville".

In the past one month:
I took marital advice from the single and heard about the modern house wife's way of doing things from the oldest most typical aunties ever. I tried speaking in Gujrati with my friends 3 year old son and even he found my pronunciation funny but I still kept on blabbering shit. I sat through my moms lectures which starts with her anger and ends in tears through frustration. I bear my sisters unreasonable tantrums over guest list and decorations on daily basis. I have become a silent witness to all the brain storming sessions that go out of hand. I've wandered the market for hours just to get that right gift bag color and size. I have not cleaned my room since a month and the state of my room is a direct depiction of the state of my brain- "scattered".

If after all this if someone tells me I don't have enough patience, I swear to God you leave me no options, but to snap!!

There's lots to do but I fail to see the starting point, there's even more that will be undone till the last minute, so I think why bother stressing over it from now, but yet I worry. But most of all I worry about being liked in the new house/new family/new city.

Pre-Nuptual Project- Phase 1

With the D-Date approaching soon, I am training myself for a hell number of things, the top 3 being: walking heads up, killing the inner need to laugh on things that only I find funny, and ofcourse learning the bohra cuisine.

And when am not doing all that and making endless lists of everything and anything and sticking it up on my dresser mirror, I am training my mom to do those simple things that she never did on her own coz one of us was always around. Its not like my mom is old or out-dated, she's just simple and never bothered bothering herself with doing things which we could do for her. Therefore, I have taken this gargantuan task of teaching her things like:

1. To change the channels on the satellite receiver (that remote has like airlane controll system number of buttons)

2. To save a phone number on her cell phone and how to look up missed calls (on a nokia flip phone)

3. To buy her shampoo from Boots (there r just too many options)

4. To use a Debit card for shopping (I dunno if thats a good idea)

5. To switch on the iPod/laptop to make a skype call (coz thats free. right!!)

6.  To mark invitations on the calendar (she is the social dragon fly of Salmiya)

7. To open the jewellery box (it has a maddening combination)

These things may be simple to us, but for my mom generation, its rocket science!!.And beleive me you, its not easy to make her follow instructions. But, its still easier than her trying to make me understand the symmetrical and edible construction of a roti. In return, I hope that someday my kids will be patient enough while teaching me how to operate our " robot housekeeper". 

Quart-Life Crisis

I am 25 and I had thaught I'd be a bit more confident, a bit less judgemental and a far less sceptic in life by now. but no!! I still haven't outgrown my silly fears and I still haven't gotten rid of  few (many) senseless/annoying habits.

I really cant tell at this point, if ill evolve out of it or take it to my grave, may be people around me will get used to it or may be i'd be forced to change. Who knows?? I seem to suffer from a serious case of "QUART-LIFE CRISIS".

Here's why:

1. I STILL have a strange fear of stuffed animals and dolls - there's a strange way in which they stare with their beaded eyes like they know your secrets. That's why I never owned a single toy as a kid, and sadly I can still not cross a toy store without wanting to make dash for my life, but I dont !! I just avoid eye contact and walk fast. But I can chase and kill a lizard or rat, jsut letting u know.

2. I STILL have a fear of holding kids, I have a feeling that i'd drop them and permanently damage their head (nothing as such has happened as yet -just FYI). So when a kid is handed to me, I take all necessary safety precautions like sitting in the midl of the room on a fluffy cushioned surface or looking at them only when they are sleeping or are far. I really dont know where i'd live when I have my own kids, am thiking -a marshmellow house in the clouds....

3. I STILL buy things that I'd never ever use in my life, like a recent trench coat purchase and pink boots and have to mention that beaded bag (that broke the very next day) and matching orange bangles (what was I thinking??). I hope some sort of miraculous wisdom dawns on me if not that then atleast a bigger wardrobe or a secret dungeon to hide all these dumbass fashion fiascos of my life.

4. I STILL think that going to the bank is the most riskiest thing I can do with my life. What if there's a bank robbery when am there??...What if am taken hostage?? What if , for some reason my account balance shows zero and I can't do anything about it?? dont even get me started on internet banking and Indian banks.

5. I STILL try to hide my 12th grade exam results from people, when nobody really gives a damn and  nobody has ever asked me about it since high school. The marks were pathetic and only my mom's prayers made me pass. But still, I'd like to throw it in the same dungeon with my hedious stuff.

6. I STILL fight over clothes with my sister.

7. I STILL stammer like a duck in Arctic Ocean when am nervous. ( I still talk in idioms that only I understand)

8. I STILL get paranoid when a man's walking behind me, mostly he's just doing his own thing, wanting me to get out of his way. But i have to get all hysterical and plan my "pepper spraying" or "yelling on top of my voice" moves. I live by the motto: Better be paranoid than sorry.

9. I STILL gesticulate while telling a story, sometimes with both my arms in the air (even if its on the phone...plz go ahead and picture that).

10. I STILL do my math using X as the unknown.

11. I STILL have this annoying habit of passing on random facts and trivia to people for no reason. Even if its far from the topic of discussion. It doesnt even make me look smarter anymore, given google and wikipedia. (Did you know that Mithun Chakraborthy's son's name is Mimoh Chakraborthy?)

12. I STILL loose all my sense of logical reasoning when am trying to prove a point.

 You know I cant help it right??...coz I am suffering from "Quart-life crisis"!! But if I get killed by a man chasing me into a bank thats being robbed by a stuffed teddy bear, then the cops will track you down, am telling you!!

Inspite of all this, few of my recent acheivemtns include: having managed to find and retain a job, even progressed at it. I helped in planning and organizing both my siblings' "Big-fat-ass Bohra Wedding", and teaching economics to a 12th standard kid (& she passed at it). Had to mention all this so as to show am not totally a big pile of worthlessness.

You know you are from Banswara when.....

Disclaimer: You might be angry after reading this OR you might not care but if you have no clue of what we are talking about then you are just not from Banswara, and you shall receive an introductory tour on my too-cool-for-words electric bike someday.

Me and my friend (shall remain anonymous, as she is single and has hopes to marry someday) have come up with this uniqe list during one of our many sleep overs during our recent trip to the beloved village/town of ours- BANSWARA. The possibility is atleast one/more/all will be true if you are from Banswara (even if you dont live there)

You know you are from Banswara when.......

1. You communicate by making a face or sound and ur first reaction to everything is to disagree.

2. Your mom hides all the dry fruits (kaaaju-badaam-pista) that your dad sent from Kuwait only to feed you secretly when noone is loooking.

3. You are considered very highly educated if you studied at "St. Pauls Convent".

4. Amri Gandi, Shadulla, Moga, Bobri Banu and Painter+wife- you know atleast one of them.

5. You have gone on a date to Novelty or Danpur Mishthan Bhandaar at some point. (*guilty)

6. You go to Ahmedabad for every tiny bit of medical problem you have or u think u do.

7. One or more of your relatives have sworn to death to never talk to you again, for a reason you both dont remember any more.

8. You know atleast one girl who had eloped or is planning to. (I do)

9. You burst crackers for every other reason (if a baby is born, if someone returns from a trip, if your son came from Kuwait, if you are bored, lights are off...etc)

10. You know people by their embarassing nick names prolly related to some defects on his/her face or body ...talk abt brutal!!

11. Everybody u know has a capability of becoming a mimic or a stand up comedian within seconds.

13. You strongly beleive that everything goes wrong coz someone has an evil eye on you. (that diarrhoea was not coz of the shitty pani puri u ate at kushal bagh, it was EVIL EYE!!!)

14. You eat "Gaakhar" and daal gosht on special occassions.
15. You think you are highly sophisticated compared to other "wagad" people.(Damn right!! we r better than u Partarpuris)

16. You tend to take insults better than compliments.

17. You have gone to dargah for a picnic and not for religeous purposes. (*guilty)

18. You think riding an auto rikshaw with your entire clan mounted one on top of the other (and the fortunate/unfortunate kids right upto drivers lap) is the best value for money and more fun (so what if its dangerous and suffocating).

19. You sit outside your house with your other neighbors to discuss any human (or cow) that passes by and you still keep saying: I am not the kind of person who bothers about others.

20. You add- "ayi ayi" or "aa zu" or "ago za" or "ago mar" or "alee bai" to the start or end of your sentences.

21. You have atleast one picture of urself at the "most ultra happening-hot spot"-- the Kagdi pickup. (I have 5 :p)

I love where am from even though it can be nerve wrecking to deal with the likes of my own. I miss my place and people  though I cant wait to return the moment I land. And I may feel like I cant take it anymore, I'd still blog about it!! I may have lived in Kuwait from the time I was born but if anybody asks, I am from Banswara (escuse me, for I need to make a sad crying face using my lips, nose n eyelids)

Unexplained Female Behaviours

Note: this post had gotten deleted by mistake, hence why reposting it for the good fo humanity (ofcourse)

I am a regular girl by all means (n a humble one at that) and I do have my regular girl moments now n then, like the need to shop recklessly and the need to throw unreasonable tantrums and pop the ocassional "do i look fat??" kind of questions. But as I am growing old and I see fellow women, am just saddened by their regular behavioural patterns. While some do make sense but most don't. We are complicated. Agreed. but even as a female specie I fail to understand why:

1. Boys need to buy expensive gifts but girls can be creative and make something out of her 4th grade craft class material. Sending the guy on a guilt trip of how shes so much more sensitive and thaughtfull while hes wondering he cant use it-cant throw it...wth is he suppsed to do with that??

2. In every girl group there has to be one fat friend. And if she is fat, she has to be funny n nice (by default..she is left with no other choice), she's not supposed to have mood swings, bf issues, image issues etc.. . Other skinny girls can be as bitchy and self centered as it can be possible.

3. Everybody will visit the washroom all at once like we ill get a group discount or something.

4. Her clothes should be matching with his clothes all the time, even for normal outings (weddings r still fine)

5. The subject under discussion says things like "why dont you call me?".."Do u miss me?" ..."U dont even care" (whteva happened to self respect)

6. Hating the bf's ex is like default. (one must befriend her ...if u ask me). She's fat and ugly even if u have never seen/met her.

7. Non stop chatter box kind of "Bubbly" gals just have to be every guys favourite (how i hate them), and if your witty and smart, well ur just a bitch unless you have goddess like features.

8. Dumb and stupid gals are perceived as cute. (aww :S ). I ve seen some who act dumb on purpose just to be cute (Sadistic as hell). Its one thing to have an ocassional blonde moment and completely other to be blonde.

9. If You are a Female, u just have to be clingy and needy all the time. There is no chance in hell that, you are not wanting to spend so much time with him.

10. PMS is the obvious cause for most blunders in life or hereafter.

11. They talk about celebrities like they are one of us, as if all the happenings in their lives obviously affects us in a big way (how could tiger woods do that..how how??)

12. A big bag with nothing important in it is to be carried at all times (this is me!!.... bright side... atleast I am aware of my craziness).

13. Cant we call our men by their real names?? No!! u must have cutely cuddly short names!!!It disghusts me really. More than half the male popullation of India is "Jaanu" the other half has a "u" or "i" after their original names!! (Ima call my man something manly.. Am still confused between Superman/Stud-Muffin/Hercules/Sabu)

14."yay!!" or "OH MY GOD" needs to be yelled out loud for anything or every thing that happens. (call me plain, but only a 75% sale in aldo can get the kind of reaction out of me)

15. Sleeping with 55 teddy bears around you in your entirely pink bedroom with "princess" written on the door after you have written your daily diary with feathery end pen was still normal if you were 7. Not wen ur old inuff to date. ( Once, I got a teddy bear as a valentine's day gift, I swear to god I tossed it in the garbage.)

The research is ongoing. I shall update you on more. As I have noticed more n more gals are dumber than their predecessors. And while at it, we will not spare the absurdities and bizzare actions of the regular male specimen, which will be listed in a future post.