I think I worry too much.

People talk of professional growth, personal growth, financial growth and what not but nobody talks about successfully raising humans and winning at it, there’s no role model or book that I can follow.

I have been a full time working mom, part time working mom and also a stay at home mom and I can say that nothing makes me happy, professionally, personally or financially. I love my children but I cannot be around them 24/7 and am sure they feel the same. I care and worry for them endlessly but I don’t want to smother them with my concerns and have no other aspirations in life. I want them to be independent and free thinkers yet I interrupt them and force them to behave in certain manner even when we are at home. I teach them about being safe and not talk to strangers, and in the process I am afraid that they are coming off as rude and arrogant spoilt brats who don’t thank or smile at a cashier or a cab driver. In short, you can never be sure that the “life lessons” that you are imparting are gonna work in the long run and make decent people out of them.

While we were raised, certain things were right and certain were grossly wrong and as a child at that time, I used to think to myself that I won’t do this to my children or embarrass them in this way EVER , yet there are times when I am having a hard time managing my  flock and resort to the classic “my mom’s” tactics and yes instantly I get possessed by my mom and things work out just fine.

Then we also meet other people and their kids and some can be terrible if not bad influence (my kids have learnt to roll their eyes when they don’t like them, something that their father thinks has come from their mom, yours truly). Also kids at school, that come in the form of bullies, clingy friends, arrogant divas etc etc… There’s no way to ensure that they are with the best company and that they will not forget their manners and mind their behavior with them.

When my husband comes home each night and we ask about each other’s day, his usual response is a one word answer (good-bad-tiring- Alhamdulillah) but mine are mostly about how unfair and unkind this world had been towards my two angels and his response to my saga is always, “don’t dramatize things”!!!  or “Its normal”. That’s y I blogged about my dilemmas. I think I worry too much.

Excited out of my head

My kids start school from 1st of April, yes almost 3 n half months to go, but am excited out of my head. So much so, that I might cry on the first day while dropping them off. They really grow up too fast!!!!

I have so many expectations from myself , like giving them healthy lunchs, unlike the chips and juice we used to gobble, I want to make their costumes for fancy dress, make them the best projects and models and teach them everything before that teacher would so that they can act over smart in the class. yes thats right,..why not???

Watch out for me

There may be a hundred valid reason and a thousand smart people advicing you to not do so, but you still want to go ahead with it, thats when you know its just not your want or need its your passion.

Having said that, I would like to inform my readers (all that are distributed randomy across the world and space) that I have quit my full time job as a boring old HR Consultant and will be starting my own Recruitment Company- which was way down in my list of ambitions, first being opening a night club for parents where kids can be kept in a nursery right behind the counter where we kept our hand bags n jackets (do not steal my idea) so while adults can have a nice time, kids can enjoy themseleves with a clown or elsa replica etc... u get the picture?? or do i need to make a powerpoint presentation?

Now as I was saying, I took the risk and quit my job, it was getting beyond unbearable and highly stressful even for me- coz I  like to believe that I have the patience of a cow on Indian roads- no matter how many people honk, the cow will not be bothered or even distracted. Secondly I am 30 for gods sake!!! I see people my age buying cars and going on vacation (I am making my self cry now) and I just cannot sit there and slog my ass and keep earning for people so that they can buy cars n go on vacations!!!

SO, as all business' must have a USP-Unique Selling Point, mine will be that we will not be pushy sales people, instead we will be confident that the service we sell is simply better than the rest.

Yesterday was my last working day and beleive me it was ugly, the girl that I was supposed to hand over to had conviniently thrown all my action figures (my sponge bob I got from happy meal and my mini dragons and my coffee mug and Special pencil (note to self: I need to blog about my special pencil seperately) which did not irritate me as much as when she started to pretend that she was on an important phone call every time I started to speak to her and later she ran off to sit legs up shoes out on the sofa in the lobby reading a novel (yes!!! I was secretly happy that a crazy person is there to replace me, I will be missed for sure) And while I was getting out not even for a second did I feel paniced or confused which was a shocker for me, and thats when I was determined that I am gonna be a "boss"and a rocking one at that.

The missing chapters of your HR module

Back in college, I may have barely passed in Accountancy or Economics but I was surely the master of Human Resources and an unbeatable one at that one (those who know me truly, know that I never ever ever exxxagggerate). As an HR professional, I am doing a huge favor to all those lil kids with golden HR dreams  through this post, by pointing out  those chapters of the HR modules that were purposely removed or skillfully torn out coz they dont want you to know!!!

Chapter 1. Prepared to be hated by all :

The Management plus the rest of the employees: The Management thinks we are a department that was not even needed in the first place, and the rest of the employees think that you are an agent of the Management just looking for a reason to get them fired.

Chapter 2. Prepared to be underpaid for the rest of your life:

You may be interviewing and selecting for the positions that are paying 20 times more than your salary BUT, all you can do about that is, SULK in silence.

Chapter 3. You will be turning into a skeptical human being:

You have heard and seen so much lies and funny business that people try to pull around you that you turn into a person that's just closed to simple pleasures and obvious truths of life.

Chapter 4. Unreasonable need to be liked by all : 

You organize "cold coffee mornings" or try to please them by ordering lunch on Thursdays, there cant seem to be a way in this world that they dont hate and resent you. (just got a plain sheet of paper back when I asked every one to write down their date of birth, damn it!! why dint I look into the system and get it myself if I wanted to celebrate their birthdays so much). But you got to keep trying .. May be some day they will have a nice send off party for me when I resign to pursue my dream job - FARMER

Chapter 5: Your career path is a maze that leads to a dead end

In case if you are unhappy with your current position, you are a person that cannot do anything about it. Even though you go about doing evaluation, training and man power planning for the rest of the world, the truth is : "You are a "good for nothing" in life". You will never do anything else, or look for other career options or ever get promoted to be a bigger asshole that you currently are 

I will be educating the masses (free of cost of course) further, I just need to close some Managerial positions right now. That's right!! I am a very important person in my lil world.

Note to self.

Note to self:

1. Need to Stop Apologizing:

 In recent years I have found myself  transitioning from a stubborn toddler, who would not apologize even if it comes to her life to a person who apologizes for even breathing too loud. I just need to stop doing that, I do not owe any one an apology for taking too long at the public toilet (coz I go in with three bladders- mine n twins), I will not apologize to the kids baby sitter if she says that my kids did not take a nap (coz not even God can make them), and bitch please!!! stop expecting an apology if I do not answer work calls after 4:30. And Dear husband, I will definitely have that particular tone of voice, if you wake me up at 1AM to ask me "where are the head phones??!!!" And I do say sorry in all these scenarios and more (much more pathetic ones) And I really need to stop doing this.

2. Need to dress up:

So I really need to pay more attention to the way I dress, especially if I plan to wake up and go to work each morning, (which pays in money that can buy things). I cannot look like the office maid when the receptionist is suiting up. Plus, am 30 if not now then when?? Also, my husband would be really pleasantly surprised if I took some efforts, last time he agreed to baby sit the babies on a Friday  afternoon (thats the only time he is not working) when I said I would like to visit the parlor to trim those bushy eyebrows- I later apologized for being ten minutes late- slap to self!!

3. Need to stop stressing out over petty things like:

- No space in the cupboard
- broken shoe cabinet
- clock that is stuck at 6:45 from last 36 hrs
- Somebody Renew the dish tv and internet subscription!!! For gods sake
- My husbands love towards disorder and mess
In short, my entire room is falling apart
- Nobody caring for all these things except for me

4. Need to get rid of the clutter in my head:

If theirs a way of having lesser recollection power?? Like I dont need every specific details, like what date that was and what they were wearing and her mom/ uncle said this and the weather was like that and this is exactly how much I spent on that day!!!! so on n so forth.... till infinity. Similarly I dont need to know every hindi song by heart inside out!!!  why does my brain have this useless talent to remember unwanted nonsensical things???

5. Need to stop going to the mall with kids:

As if life wasn't hard enough just managing them at home, I take them to the mall. (enough said)


6. Need to start keeping in touch:

I come from a family where at least 15 ppl come to see you off at the airport and much more so when you are going or coming back from a religious trip. So that's how close our friends and families are....(sometimes its suffocating but mostly it pays off on Eid). But after marriage, I feel a bit cut off from all this family drama (closeness) and I miss it a lot especially coz my in-laws side is not that way (they could actually feel at home on a deserted island). I miss my people and the madness and that's why I need to keep more in touch with who ever I have immediately available in the UAE region.

7. Need to stop feeling guilty for having a good time:

Like occasionally, I do get time off of kids and husband to spend it with friends, go for movies for grown ups (n without songs) or go shopping or eat at places where sophisticated ppl go (read: ppl without kids) and while at it, I can never return home feeling happy about it, I am always guilty for having a good time, its so bad, that I tend to be sad about it while am enjoying it (twisted, I know!!). Sometimes, I am the only one in the group who has brought their kids along!!! What can I say, am I allergic to relaxation ??

8. I need to make time for things I absolutely love:

like reading: I cant remember the last time I actually finished a book ( I had 5 uncompleted ones, that I force-gifted to a colleague coz books involve regularly dusting them)
Gardening: Why cant I be a farmer for a living?
Creating: I love designing dresses for my kids, or making some useful stuff from an old shoe box, or shampoo botl- ,and I love to cook!! its sets me free!! I am that kind of person you find on pinterest, but I need to do that more often.

LASTLY, I need to stick to the notes I make to self~ ~ ~

Office diaries 1

Here I come, sorry for not writing for so long coz I was actually very busy and apart from raising my dragons I am now also working full time (which pays in terms of money which can be used to buy things). 

Through experience of meeting amazing and mostly annoying people on daily basis through my work as a Recruitment Consultant, I have come to form a list of people who I absolutely cannot stand:

1. The fat person who judges me for having a candy drawer at my desk.

2.The candidate who asks me to text them my email address coz they are too lazy to get up and grab a pen and yet they want to be hired.

3. People who sing at work (I online shop from work, but that's not disturbing any one)

4. That person on the bus who will sit on the isle side...leaving the window seat empty, just so she can sit alone...(u no what...ill make you move even if the whole bus is empty)

5. Those who try to curb my enthusiasm for starting a "party planing committee" at work

6. And that one of them who finished my assorted box of gourmet biscuits that my mom got from Amrika... (I had the right to ask the MD to issue a memo but I dint)

7. You cannot ask me to find a maid for your house coz I am in the Recruitment Dep.

8. Who are these people and how the are they contacting me through whatsapp 

9. The clients who says, "none of the candidates were pretty"- have u seen how ugly u sound?

10. People who find the right person, after all that screening..and go like....am sure there are more like them so lets start looking all over again....and then finally settle for the original find.

In spite of all this, I know in my heart that am also not everybody's favorite person to work with but I try to be as pleasant as possible. 

Possibilities are endless...

I have come to a point in life, where it is not a big deal if I dont have matching shoes for this dress or that I am carrying this same bag for 6 months (1 year actually). I am at a point where lil things make me immensely happy.... like crazy.....like beyond exciting...

Like when every one is online on the cousins whatsapp group making fun of that one poor person.

Like when your kids are so tired by all that park, that they sleep instantly when home...even better....in the car!!

Like when you can talk to a friend without being interrupted by ur kids wanting to banter in the middle.

Like when you are out and exhausted and theres free pomotional coffee (can I taste 2 full cups please)

Like when you meet your school friends and they say....you've not changed a bit.

Like when your mom sends you a 4 mnt audio note about how I need to eat more n I look so weak...(.while i am just stuffing cake in my mouth as and when I can)

Like when my husnand is on a boys night out....and  I have to pretend that its "so unacceptable" but I really love that alone time

Like making dubsmashes with such great intensities that would make madhubala cringe in her grave.

Like watching cat videos

Like my kids getting a b'day invitation ( thats like jackpot actually)

Like when someone appreciates even the slightest...

What more could one ask for?? I wonder...

May be next year I might get that vacation I want...
May be my kids will be compeletely potty trained
May be my husband will be slightly laundry trained
May be ill stop watching mythological serials 
May be ill find my lost phone
May be my husband will gift me a new phone
May be ill start that dream business
May be ill stop stuffing my face with cake
May be ill start doing yoga....
POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS RIGHT??