Expectations!!! thats how I was killed.

The first thing we did as soon as we were born was -- "Expect" and fortunately for most of us, we got what we expected. While growing up some of our expectations were greater or lesser or died altogether. And now as I am and what I think, I feel having expectations is the only reason why I am unhappy and upset at times.


Should we be clear enough and tell them what exactly we need or do we expect them to read our minds. If they don’t, do we feel bad or do we regret not being clear??


 Shouldn't people close to us already know what we want. If they expect certain things from us, isnt it obvious that we might have expectations too??


 If we get what we wanted without even trying, then should we be happy with that or expect consistency or do we expect even more and then regret later?


And if we keep expecting and receiving, do we take it as our fate or do we end up having this obligation to return the favor??


 And just coz u r nice, does not mean people perceived it that way. We either over-estimate our acts of kindness or doubt others good intentions.


God knows, what went wrong!?!?!?!?!


It’s a tricky thing, we expect people to act or say certain things, may be they expect more or less the same in return. And somewhere there u strike a barter system of mutual benefits. If not that, then you are this person who believes in doing the right thing and finding happiness in doing that, not expecting anything in return. Then there is this category where i find myself, I try not to expect and do what I feel is right without anything in return till a point where I can’t be that way anymore and that's when i give up to the fear of being taken for granted. I don’t know which out of the three are actually and truly the happiest, but am not. Or maybe I am too skeptic to notice the niceness which comes my way.


May be its pride, but I really can’t change the way it is,
I tried and I failed.
May be I expect a lot, May be I deserve a lot more,
I pick myself to start all over again and again I failed.


May be I did what i did to please or be praised,
I doubt if my efforts were genuine at all.
May be no one told me what are the norms and whats the limit,
Can I quit when am already in it??


God knows whats right and wrong,
I dont want to play the blame game.
and I also cant keep hoping and praying, I
have waited this long.


All I want is assurance All I need is some faith,
I need to be told that I am a good person.
I dont want to be this person that I have become,
and I dont want to hate.


May be I was dillusional for I beleived in fairy tales,
may be its my fault I wished for happy ending.
When its just a constant struggle,
with a story never ending.

How I met your father

If your are anything like me, then you would have spent most of your early 20's screening guys that were introduced to you for a possible "arranged marriage" and you would have always re-edited your list of pros and cons, negatives and positives, likes and dislikes, and inspite of being asked like a frazillion times u still dint know what your actual hobby is (apparently, stalking ppl on facebook is not an acceptable answer).

After having encountered with 29 guys (not proud or ashamed of it) I can say, I found "the one" around 2 years ago. And as am about to say "qubool" soon I cant help but look back at the journey. This post should serve as a low budget and shorter version of "How I met your father" for my future kids.

Note: Imagine 3D graphics, as its future presentation of the past.

Out of the fortunate or unfortunate 29, seven had rejected me. Their reason was:

1. She is not as pretty
2. She is more educated
3. She works
4. I am In love with someone else
5. her sense of humor is weird
6. I want to marry a doctor coz am a doctor
7. A testimonial on her orkut profile says "when she is angry then god save you"

I have no regrets, nor do I feel sorry for them. They have their opinions and am not here to change them. But I admit that when I saw the wife of the guy who dint find me pretty, I felt secretly victorious. she looked like a goat, an ugly goat!! Dont judge, am only saying the truth.

Out of the remaining 22, my mom rejected 2, brother rejected 1 and dad rejected 2 even before I saw or spoke to them. ( Rite now am wondering why dint I make a pie chart for these statistics).

The remaining 17, My reaction to them were:

1. I dint like his moustache, it made him look like a south indian film star.
2. Why did he break into a song in public??
3. His dad calls him "Tiger",(like.....REALLY???)
4. He only had girls in his forwaded emails list
5. He put this caption under his pic on facebook : "Cool water + Hot Me = Evaporation" (he was in a swimming pool)
6. He kept mentioning how rich he is and only wears designer stuff (He hasnt seen my almost original Chanel bag)
7. The first thing he asked me was "can you cook and clean?"
8. He dint know what to do next after getting a degree in Mathematics (?) and at the age of twenty-siX
9. Ill reject him before he tries to reject me.
10. Bald
11. He was already rejected by "that other girl", how can I take him?
12. I dint like his sisters back in school.
13. He was wearing winter clothes in summer (in the month of MAY IN INDIA) and NO!! he was not having a fever (I asked him out of curiousity not care).
14. He instantly wanted to marry me after the first meeting. (despo!)
15. Laughed at anything I said (pathetic!!)
16. Sent his CV to me along with his pictures (I was an HR Consultant back then)
17. Contacted me after I was engaged (sorry :( for ur loss)

I am not saying that my reasons were valid, nor that they were actually nice and I was not worthy enough. And may be they might have found me equally outrageous (or more) and I was just the first person to ring the bell. I knew I was not what they call "Perfect Bride".

Its just that sometimes, a small thing ticks u off and you are like- "shit!!! I cant take this shit for the rest of my life!!". The consequence: I was counselled by countless ppl that, I can never really find that perfect person and should settle down before its too late.(I was almost sixty in their eyes), some said I should find someone online, while some thaught I think too much of myself.

Whatever that it was, right now I think all that drama was necessary for what I have become and to appreciate the person I am with.

We were introduced by a mutual link. We started chatting, It hit off coz none of us were trying to show what we are not and we got each other's jokes and at no point was it "awkward". Then we met a couple of times before we got engaged. (If i tell u he went down on his knees and proposed would you beleive??....No right?? )

So yeah....that's our story.

We may not be holding hands and singing
But I always know what he is thinking

Sometimes he's just plain obnoxious
that's when i start being pretentious

He is anything but romantic
and how he wishes I cud be more diplomatic

I know for sure that he will not be there to comfort & pamper
But he will always inspire me to be better and stronger

He hates my frown, fake smile and the sceptic look
and my only concern in the world is-why isnt he "engaged" on Facebook

I hate how he thinks hes always right
thats when, I thank God that he's far and out of sight

He's careless, forgetful, messy and confusing
I am a big time bitch, am not refusing

He may not be perfect but hes the one
I know, coz I jump when its his phone

Love,
Mom :*

We have a situation on our hands...

BREAKING NEWS: my wedding dates are fixed!! and I feel like the person who had finally reached the tip of Mt. Everest and right the next moment he was like- "Now, What Next?".

And following that, a whole new set of scenerios, worries and fears have started to pop in my head. I apply the Enterprise Risk Management Analysis to all the cases and applicable treatment options for each. Hell, I even made a process map using Microsoft Visio at work. (Do leave your email address in the comment box, if interested, so I can forward the scanned copy of the same).

So far the "love boat" had been sailing in still waters but now it has a sweet rhythem to it, we discuss what color to paint our room, what kind of bed, even the details about how many doors the cupboard should have (maximum is my answer) and if we should get matching night slippers (its highly important). We plan silly stuff and important things with same kind of seriousness. On other occassions something is said or done which sends the boat crashing into the iceberg and I want to grab my life jacket and jump off right away. And I find myself telling my BFF every weekend - SHIT!! I DONT WANNA GET MARRIED!!! One must admire her patience.

Then there r times when I am excited about the whole new life and how I will be no less than "tulsi" and "Parvati" when it comes to being the ideal housewife and life's gonna be so much more meaningful when you ill have someone to share it with and the whole new set of challenges in my learning curve. And then I wonder, a new place- with no family no friends. Ill have to start all over again. Who will I confide in?? who will I gossip with?? Who will tell me I look fab when I dont?? who will I remove all my frustration on?? who will eat all the disastrous receipes I try ?? who will I endlessly discuss shoes with?? who will I karaoke with?? Who will praise my pathetic violin skills?? Then I get tht choking lump in my throat and a red tinge on the tip of my nose and I wanna scream- SHIT !! I DONT WANNA GET MARRIED!!!

Help me, before I become an emotional mess with all these mixed emotions of Love, excitement, panic, anxiety, enthusiasm, fear and hope in one lil heart and mind. Really, We have a situation on our hands.

Dilemma of my dillusional life.

Looks like, I am the only person among 4 different groups of friends and two different groups of family who is without a 3G phone. I tried to take this in a positive way by repeating to myself and others- tht am "special and simpler", But its not helping anymore, my social life is in a major turmoil coz of this.

No 3G phone = No Blackberry messenger / whatsapp = Socially dead!!

Resulting in => nobody includes u in the planning process, they just inform u where to come and when (mostly sad places that they decided) and that also is a pain for them coz they have to call or text you which is so medieval apparently. Even when you meet them, you are out of place coz everything revolves around tht 3G phone, the jokes they forwarded and the games they play and how meeting in person is not as much fun anymore. And you can't even contribute towards the never ending debate of which is better- iPhone or Blackberry??
(I hate it when I cant contribute to meaningless talks)

My dilemma may end when i make that iPhone4 purchase but am afraid, what if the world moves onto the next best thing when am getting used to this??? and till when am I going to be in this chase to catch up with the next best thing??? Thats when i look at my simple NOKIA and think I just might spend the money in more meaningful things like shoes and bags. But that would result in ending up with no friends. And what will I do with the shoes and bags if I am not going out?? That's why I have decided to buy an iPhone4 by end of this month- to retain those remaining friends - I hope u all are happy, u cost me a lot of money n months of thaught process!!

U'd think life's easy, but its NOT!!

6 ridiculous things I learnt at work.

The downside of having a job is by far the early mornings and nothing else and the up side is tht u get experience out of your education and many other things get into ur system which were earlier missing in ur aimless life, like - punctuality, discipline, professionalism, etc. (N the paycheck ofcourse!!)

Then there r these other thigs which no one will train and certify u for, but u will eventually learn at your workplace, like:

1. To controll your smile when your boss is being yelled at by their boss, its incredibly difficult, u smile n then suddenly u have to act like u dint coz ur boss is embarassed and wants to see how u reacted the first thing.. but ur system automatically rejects the straight face n the smile comes back again . if i can depict it in smiley format it would look something like this :) :I :) :I :D :I :( . And thats how I learnt to "keep a straight face when you want to roflmao"
(Also at no times u must laugh when the jokes on ur boss.)

2. To yawn without opening your mouth, this takes a lot of practise and your nostrils flare while at it and u look like hulk for a moment but u really dont want to offend the person who is having the effect on you by yawing in their face. I learnt to "yawn-mouth-shut".

3. You go to the washroom and meet ur boss/colleague. She is in the next stall and she wants to discuss "stuff" and you are not comfortable talking while doing your business. But ull have to....I learnt to "talk in the loo"!! I dont even want to go into the gross details of having to ignore the background noises and i half hope and unhope that u get the picture.

4. When you u meet someone in the corridoor, meeting rooms, cafteria here n there ...and u automatically say- Good morning How r u?? u both r walking with a purpose and the person doesnt even care to answer and asks -Hey- Good morning how r u?? even u dont reply and walk off. I got used to the- "I dont care how u r, but ill still ask for the heck of it".

5. Then there r the times when you dont have any work to do, so u think y not watch some movie online (coz the connection speed is so uber awesome), and then u go one step ahead and also take the liberty to skype all your friends one by one and eventually ur laughing n talking out loud and having an "online pardy". And there comes ur boss (mostly attractd to u by all the commotion) at that time u have to act all serious all of a sudden and pretend that u r so bored, so much so that u feel wasted coz u dont have no work to do and immediately shit load of unimportant work is thrown at u. Alas!! I learnt to pretend to be "bored when am not".

6. Then u have these co workers who are absent most of the time (coz they have family, kids, and better things to do than come to work) and then they emotionally black mail u to do their work (coz they think u r this single girl who dsnt have better things to do than come to work (which is true...but still)). You have to learn to say No to them even if u r a nice person n have fallen for their "my kid was so sick story" u just have to tell them that its not ur job. It took me long time to, but I learnt to be the "Heartless Bitch". !!! Applause !!!

...That and more.....

If I ever become a career counsellor for young graduates, I will charge to train and certify them for the above mentioned. Apart from that, I see no applicability of this in my future house wife role (hopefully).

Evolution in front of my eyes....

I've been alive long enough to notice certain things that were not as they are now or are totally the opposite now. You may call it my special analytical skills or having a lot of time on my hands, I have come up with the list (once again) of human/lifestyle behaviours or attitudes that I have seen evolving in front of my own 2 eyes in the last 25 years.

1. Compliments are offensive
Some times back people used to actually compliment each other. Now if you will, you'd come off as needy/ pushy/ selfish/ ass licker/ ass kisser/ etc. (you get the picture) And mostly with me, I come off as sarcastic, then I feel the need to beg and plead to convince the other person that I actually honestly like their dress. Pathetic it is!! Meanwhile, mean and hurtful things come out much easier and are taken more positively.

2. Kids are no longer shy
There were times when parents had their own personal talent show where the only participant and thats why the winner was their cherished kid. Their guests/relatives/anyone who knocked on the door was tormented to go through that lil something that "exclusively" only their kid could do (mostly overly gesticulated "baba black sheep" performance). Obviously the parents never got why the kid is so reluctant (in real, embarassed and humiliated). On the contrary now the situation is as such that parents need to pull their kids back, kids already know what they are good at (mostly something outrageous such as artificial burping or sheela ki jawani ) and they will not hesitate to show that, they know how to act cute, they are no longer shy. And now this un-shy/outrageous kid is a source of embarassment and humiliation for their parents. How I love to watch this drama.

3.There's no such thing as General Knowledge (GK) anymore
I used to have a GK class once a weak in school, they used to teach us anything and everything that is general and enhances knowledge and there was a test for that as well (I was "cool" enough to think that it was stupid even back then) now you have google for that and everyone knows how to use it and nothing is general anymore, what was general before is exclusive now and viceversa. People can and have to know only what interests or affects them. I cant even imagine life without google.

4.Basic Humanity is visible
people are much nicer now, I have some real mean older relatives to say this for a fact. People may not keep in touch as much (everyones so busy apparently, hence they will only press "like" on your every FB profile pic) but they are pleasant when they meet each other in person. Employees are treated in much more polite and decent manner (even if they are excruciatingly dumb). People in the service industry (waiters, house maids, etc) are treated with respect now. People dont judge others based on their color/nationality or religeon, not openly atleast. In short, we are living in a much lesser hostile environment than 20 years ago.

5. Show of wealth
I knew people who were filthy rich but noone wud have eva guessed that by looking at them, if you were rich, then thats one thing you would hide the most.but now everyone acts like they cud make a cigarette out of a 20 KD note and fag it off n not care a bit. nobody knows if they r actually Uncle Scrooge's nephews or what, but they all act like that. In a way its good and bad, good coz generally everyones seen as well off or are working hard towards getting there and bad coz if u r not so and not working hard enough too, then u r just in the grind pretending all the time.

6. Celebrations
Whether its a simple birthday, some festival or a wedding, earlier people used to come together and celebrate like it matters, now its more of a source of irritation. Its seen as a time when ull have to meet ur relatives, make small talk, be nice, smile, throw compliments in random directions and die bit by bit waiting for the "food is served" announcement. There was a time when ppl used to flock into our house on Eid (my Eidy collections were the highest in the neighborhood) but not any more (Eidy-recession). Things r laid back and simpler, ppl prefer to celebrate in their own style with ppl who matter to them, but i miss the old days.

These and so many other things like, ppl are more informed, less wasteful, more civil, less loud, healthier, more competitive, more creative and more stressed out. And as a person I have too seen a lot of changes in myself, over the years and sometimes over a weak or a day. And I guess, thats what makes living so much fun :D

Bridezilla

So there may not be any wedding invitation cards printed yet, but the wedding is on the cards. Hence, unlike the usual girl specimen, I will not get paranoid and act all hysterical. Instead, I have decided to compeletely act indifferent to the whole preperation scene in order to avoid the stress and drama. but how many times can u actually do things that you want to, given an Indian household scenerio and a town full of people who pray day and night for my big day to arrive soon?? close to negative 100 number of times is the answer!!

So, why am I like this?

To begin with, I dunno the date, month or even the year so please dont think am the most unfortunate girl on the planet coz, I am not. I am not waiting night and day for my "baraat" to arrive at the door...I have better things to do, I have a job where my boss treats me like the most brightest human being in the world and I am respected for my opinions (even when I say things like- that shirt is ugly!! or why dont u just take a long leave?). Now I really dunno how many decades it will take before I know whats sposed to be even said in my hubbys house (given a situation) or whether my opinion is even required. Now you cant be excited or depressed about what may or may not happen in the future...hence the indifference for the time being.(to begin with, I dont even know their language so well)

>>>Yet, every now and then am advised to not act this way or that way and this will not work in the new house and why I should be less dramatic and more pleasant, less critical and more appreciating, laugh softly, talk less, etc etc... Am not that outrageous you know.

Secondly, I honestly suck at cooking!! (the truth needs to be told) I have tried and failed several times. I can cook, wihout burning the house... but the condition of the kitchen after am done is exactly the same as it was after tsunami hit the coast of Thailand. And the resultant food has something or the other that makes my dads stomach sick for two days, but he always praises and appreciates. On the other hand my mom refuses to put it in her mouth. There was once a 4 member panel discussion on- why my rotis never turn round and fully cooked, but what can I do?? if am sucha disappointment. I dunno if my mother in law is gonna be supportive or agitated. I tell myself that once I have the motivation to please people through cooking (or starvation) I will eventually learn, so no point fretting!!

>>>Yet, my mom constantly asks me to take a one month leave to learn to cook (can u beleive that??)..n my some aunty says, its utmost important that I learn to make samosas for the sake of family pride and honour (what will they say if they come to know u cant make samosa?... Omg!! the sky will fall). And even 12 yr old girls can make roti...whats wrong with you? (forgive me for am roti dyslexic :S)

Then there are those frequent reminders to finally start shopping for the things to wear before-during-after the wedding. you are being consulted on the colors-style-comfort-budget-shit&blah. As a person who does nothing but wandering the malls and browsing through every wedding picture ever uploaded on facebook, I dont think I need your guidance through this quest for finding a dress that I'd wear for few hours and protect till the rest of my life. And no I have not finalized on any theme for any of the functions (only if there was a theme called - "get over with it already!!"). If its my wedding and I myself ain't half bit worried abt what am gonna wear, then why is it a major world issue?? ill deal with it wen I have to. And its not coz I dont care, its just coz I dont want to buy that dress in advance and spoil it by getting all dressed up every time am depressed or extremely happy (am fully aware of my abnormalities).

>>> yet I have ppl who have volunteered to take me shopping, some even to shop on my behalf (like ill eva let that happen).FYI- My mothers having sleepless nights and this is one of the hundred reasons why. esp. since everybody who will be at the wedding (even the new borns and unborns!!) know what they ill wear except for me.shoot me!! for my top most worry at the momeent is how am I going to handle my dupatta on daily basis.

Then the bitter truth is that, am not living a rockstar lifestyle rite now. its pretty much like no where to go on the weekends apart from groccery shopping with mom n dad and ofcourse wandering the malls with my girl friends. You cant go to movies, beach, fine dining, or a party as all these things have turned into a "couple's thing" at my age, and hence why a long disctance relationship nightmare... So whteva that is that ill do later cant get any worse than this. And since it only gets better y bother obsessing about the life -shaadi ke baad?


>>yet there are some of you, who tell me that is this is the time to rock while am still a free bird and how lifes gonna be on the rocks later ....and this is it, if i dont live it up right now am so gonna regret later. And these very same people guide me through all the above mentioned topics, the very next minute. So they ask me to take it easy and relax and at the same time they want to be paranoid and hysterical... like really?? what exactly do u want me to do?? and how will that effect your life??

Its not even funny anymore!!! I keep telling "the fiance" that we should elope, he thinks am being funny (talk about communication gap). But tht seems like the most easiest get away from the whole wedding prep nightmare.

About the marital life, whatever tht ill happen is destined to happen whether for good or bad.. !! And,I cant change myself now to be some one later!!.

***!!Thts rite!! am a Bridezilla for all the wrong reasons***