Expectations!!! thats how I was killed.

The first thing we did as soon as we were born was -- "Expect" and fortunately for most of us, we got what we expected. While growing up some of our expectations were greater or lesser or died altogether. And now as I am and what I think, I feel having expectations is the only reason why I am unhappy and upset at times.


Should we be clear enough and tell them what exactly we need or do we expect them to read our minds. If they don’t, do we feel bad or do we regret not being clear??


 Shouldn't people close to us already know what we want. If they expect certain things from us, isnt it obvious that we might have expectations too??


 If we get what we wanted without even trying, then should we be happy with that or expect consistency or do we expect even more and then regret later?


And if we keep expecting and receiving, do we take it as our fate or do we end up having this obligation to return the favor??


 And just coz u r nice, does not mean people perceived it that way. We either over-estimate our acts of kindness or doubt others good intentions.


God knows, what went wrong!?!?!?!?!


It’s a tricky thing, we expect people to act or say certain things, may be they expect more or less the same in return. And somewhere there u strike a barter system of mutual benefits. If not that, then you are this person who believes in doing the right thing and finding happiness in doing that, not expecting anything in return. Then there is this category where i find myself, I try not to expect and do what I feel is right without anything in return till a point where I can’t be that way anymore and that's when i give up to the fear of being taken for granted. I don’t know which out of the three are actually and truly the happiest, but am not. Or maybe I am too skeptic to notice the niceness which comes my way.


May be its pride, but I really can’t change the way it is,
I tried and I failed.
May be I expect a lot, May be I deserve a lot more,
I pick myself to start all over again and again I failed.


May be I did what i did to please or be praised,
I doubt if my efforts were genuine at all.
May be no one told me what are the norms and whats the limit,
Can I quit when am already in it??


God knows whats right and wrong,
I dont want to play the blame game.
and I also cant keep hoping and praying, I
have waited this long.


All I want is assurance All I need is some faith,
I need to be told that I am a good person.
I dont want to be this person that I have become,
and I dont want to hate.


May be I was dillusional for I beleived in fairy tales,
may be its my fault I wished for happy ending.
When its just a constant struggle,
with a story never ending.

How I met your father

If your are anything like me, then you would have spent most of your early 20's screening guys that were introduced to you for a possible "arranged marriage" and you would have always re-edited your list of pros and cons, negatives and positives, likes and dislikes, and inspite of being asked like a frazillion times u still dint know what your actual hobby is (apparently, stalking ppl on facebook is not an acceptable answer).

After having encountered with 29 guys (not proud or ashamed of it) I can say, I found "the one" around 2 years ago. And as am about to say "qubool" soon I cant help but look back at the journey. This post should serve as a low budget and shorter version of "How I met your father" for my future kids.

Note: Imagine 3D graphics, as its future presentation of the past.

Out of the fortunate or unfortunate 29, seven had rejected me. Their reason was:

1. She is not as pretty
2. She is more educated
3. She works
4. I am In love with someone else
5. her sense of humor is weird
6. I want to marry a doctor coz am a doctor
7. A testimonial on her orkut profile says "when she is angry then god save you"

I have no regrets, nor do I feel sorry for them. They have their opinions and am not here to change them. But I admit that when I saw the wife of the guy who dint find me pretty, I felt secretly victorious. she looked like a goat, an ugly goat!! Dont judge, am only saying the truth.

Out of the remaining 22, my mom rejected 2, brother rejected 1 and dad rejected 2 even before I saw or spoke to them. ( Rite now am wondering why dint I make a pie chart for these statistics).

The remaining 17, My reaction to them were:

1. I dint like his moustache, it made him look like a south indian film star.
2. Why did he break into a song in public??
3. His dad calls him "Tiger",(like.....REALLY???)
4. He only had girls in his forwaded emails list
5. He put this caption under his pic on facebook : "Cool water + Hot Me = Evaporation" (he was in a swimming pool)
6. He kept mentioning how rich he is and only wears designer stuff (He hasnt seen my almost original Chanel bag)
7. The first thing he asked me was "can you cook and clean?"
8. He dint know what to do next after getting a degree in Mathematics (?) and at the age of twenty-siX
9. Ill reject him before he tries to reject me.
10. Bald
11. He was already rejected by "that other girl", how can I take him?
12. I dint like his sisters back in school.
13. He was wearing winter clothes in summer (in the month of MAY IN INDIA) and NO!! he was not having a fever (I asked him out of curiousity not care).
14. He instantly wanted to marry me after the first meeting. (despo!)
15. Laughed at anything I said (pathetic!!)
16. Sent his CV to me along with his pictures (I was an HR Consultant back then)
17. Contacted me after I was engaged (sorry :( for ur loss)

I am not saying that my reasons were valid, nor that they were actually nice and I was not worthy enough. And may be they might have found me equally outrageous (or more) and I was just the first person to ring the bell. I knew I was not what they call "Perfect Bride".

Its just that sometimes, a small thing ticks u off and you are like- "shit!!! I cant take this shit for the rest of my life!!". The consequence: I was counselled by countless ppl that, I can never really find that perfect person and should settle down before its too late.(I was almost sixty in their eyes), some said I should find someone online, while some thaught I think too much of myself.

Whatever that it was, right now I think all that drama was necessary for what I have become and to appreciate the person I am with.

We were introduced by a mutual link. We started chatting, It hit off coz none of us were trying to show what we are not and we got each other's jokes and at no point was it "awkward". Then we met a couple of times before we got engaged. (If i tell u he went down on his knees and proposed would you beleive??....No right?? )

So yeah....that's our story.

We may not be holding hands and singing
But I always know what he is thinking

Sometimes he's just plain obnoxious
that's when i start being pretentious

He is anything but romantic
and how he wishes I cud be more diplomatic

I know for sure that he will not be there to comfort & pamper
But he will always inspire me to be better and stronger

He hates my frown, fake smile and the sceptic look
and my only concern in the world is-why isnt he "engaged" on Facebook

I hate how he thinks hes always right
thats when, I thank God that he's far and out of sight

He's careless, forgetful, messy and confusing
I am a big time bitch, am not refusing

He may not be perfect but hes the one
I know, coz I jump when its his phone

Love,
Mom :*

We have a situation on our hands...

BREAKING NEWS: my wedding dates are fixed!! and I feel like the person who had finally reached the tip of Mt. Everest and right the next moment he was like- "Now, What Next?".

And following that, a whole new set of scenerios, worries and fears have started to pop in my head. I apply the Enterprise Risk Management Analysis to all the cases and applicable treatment options for each. Hell, I even made a process map using Microsoft Visio at work. (Do leave your email address in the comment box, if interested, so I can forward the scanned copy of the same).

So far the "love boat" had been sailing in still waters but now it has a sweet rhythem to it, we discuss what color to paint our room, what kind of bed, even the details about how many doors the cupboard should have (maximum is my answer) and if we should get matching night slippers (its highly important). We plan silly stuff and important things with same kind of seriousness. On other occassions something is said or done which sends the boat crashing into the iceberg and I want to grab my life jacket and jump off right away. And I find myself telling my BFF every weekend - SHIT!! I DONT WANNA GET MARRIED!!! One must admire her patience.

Then there r times when I am excited about the whole new life and how I will be no less than "tulsi" and "Parvati" when it comes to being the ideal housewife and life's gonna be so much more meaningful when you ill have someone to share it with and the whole new set of challenges in my learning curve. And then I wonder, a new place- with no family no friends. Ill have to start all over again. Who will I confide in?? who will I gossip with?? Who will tell me I look fab when I dont?? who will I remove all my frustration on?? who will eat all the disastrous receipes I try ?? who will I endlessly discuss shoes with?? who will I karaoke with?? Who will praise my pathetic violin skills?? Then I get tht choking lump in my throat and a red tinge on the tip of my nose and I wanna scream- SHIT !! I DONT WANNA GET MARRIED!!!

Help me, before I become an emotional mess with all these mixed emotions of Love, excitement, panic, anxiety, enthusiasm, fear and hope in one lil heart and mind. Really, We have a situation on our hands.

Dilemma of my dillusional life.

Looks like, I am the only person among 4 different groups of friends and two different groups of family who is without a 3G phone. I tried to take this in a positive way by repeating to myself and others- tht am "special and simpler", But its not helping anymore, my social life is in a major turmoil coz of this.

No 3G phone = No Blackberry messenger / whatsapp = Socially dead!!

Resulting in => nobody includes u in the planning process, they just inform u where to come and when (mostly sad places that they decided) and that also is a pain for them coz they have to call or text you which is so medieval apparently. Even when you meet them, you are out of place coz everything revolves around tht 3G phone, the jokes they forwarded and the games they play and how meeting in person is not as much fun anymore. And you can't even contribute towards the never ending debate of which is better- iPhone or Blackberry??
(I hate it when I cant contribute to meaningless talks)

My dilemma may end when i make that iPhone4 purchase but am afraid, what if the world moves onto the next best thing when am getting used to this??? and till when am I going to be in this chase to catch up with the next best thing??? Thats when i look at my simple NOKIA and think I just might spend the money in more meaningful things like shoes and bags. But that would result in ending up with no friends. And what will I do with the shoes and bags if I am not going out?? That's why I have decided to buy an iPhone4 by end of this month- to retain those remaining friends - I hope u all are happy, u cost me a lot of money n months of thaught process!!

U'd think life's easy, but its NOT!!

6 ridiculous things I learnt at work.

The downside of having a job is by far the early mornings and nothing else and the up side is tht u get experience out of your education and many other things get into ur system which were earlier missing in ur aimless life, like - punctuality, discipline, professionalism, etc. (N the paycheck ofcourse!!)

Then there r these other thigs which no one will train and certify u for, but u will eventually learn at your workplace, like:

1. To controll your smile when your boss is being yelled at by their boss, its incredibly difficult, u smile n then suddenly u have to act like u dint coz ur boss is embarassed and wants to see how u reacted the first thing.. but ur system automatically rejects the straight face n the smile comes back again . if i can depict it in smiley format it would look something like this :) :I :) :I :D :I :( . And thats how I learnt to "keep a straight face when you want to roflmao"
(Also at no times u must laugh when the jokes on ur boss.)

2. To yawn without opening your mouth, this takes a lot of practise and your nostrils flare while at it and u look like hulk for a moment but u really dont want to offend the person who is having the effect on you by yawing in their face. I learnt to "yawn-mouth-shut".

3. You go to the washroom and meet ur boss/colleague. She is in the next stall and she wants to discuss "stuff" and you are not comfortable talking while doing your business. But ull have to....I learnt to "talk in the loo"!! I dont even want to go into the gross details of having to ignore the background noises and i half hope and unhope that u get the picture.

4. When you u meet someone in the corridoor, meeting rooms, cafteria here n there ...and u automatically say- Good morning How r u?? u both r walking with a purpose and the person doesnt even care to answer and asks -Hey- Good morning how r u?? even u dont reply and walk off. I got used to the- "I dont care how u r, but ill still ask for the heck of it".

5. Then there r the times when you dont have any work to do, so u think y not watch some movie online (coz the connection speed is so uber awesome), and then u go one step ahead and also take the liberty to skype all your friends one by one and eventually ur laughing n talking out loud and having an "online pardy". And there comes ur boss (mostly attractd to u by all the commotion) at that time u have to act all serious all of a sudden and pretend that u r so bored, so much so that u feel wasted coz u dont have no work to do and immediately shit load of unimportant work is thrown at u. Alas!! I learnt to pretend to be "bored when am not".

6. Then u have these co workers who are absent most of the time (coz they have family, kids, and better things to do than come to work) and then they emotionally black mail u to do their work (coz they think u r this single girl who dsnt have better things to do than come to work (which is true...but still)). You have to learn to say No to them even if u r a nice person n have fallen for their "my kid was so sick story" u just have to tell them that its not ur job. It took me long time to, but I learnt to be the "Heartless Bitch". !!! Applause !!!

...That and more.....

If I ever become a career counsellor for young graduates, I will charge to train and certify them for the above mentioned. Apart from that, I see no applicability of this in my future house wife role (hopefully).

Evolution in front of my eyes....

I've been alive long enough to notice certain things that were not as they are now or are totally the opposite now. You may call it my special analytical skills or having a lot of time on my hands, I have come up with the list (once again) of human/lifestyle behaviours or attitudes that I have seen evolving in front of my own 2 eyes in the last 25 years.

1. Compliments are offensive
Some times back people used to actually compliment each other. Now if you will, you'd come off as needy/ pushy/ selfish/ ass licker/ ass kisser/ etc. (you get the picture) And mostly with me, I come off as sarcastic, then I feel the need to beg and plead to convince the other person that I actually honestly like their dress. Pathetic it is!! Meanwhile, mean and hurtful things come out much easier and are taken more positively.

2. Kids are no longer shy
There were times when parents had their own personal talent show where the only participant and thats why the winner was their cherished kid. Their guests/relatives/anyone who knocked on the door was tormented to go through that lil something that "exclusively" only their kid could do (mostly overly gesticulated "baba black sheep" performance). Obviously the parents never got why the kid is so reluctant (in real, embarassed and humiliated). On the contrary now the situation is as such that parents need to pull their kids back, kids already know what they are good at (mostly something outrageous such as artificial burping or sheela ki jawani ) and they will not hesitate to show that, they know how to act cute, they are no longer shy. And now this un-shy/outrageous kid is a source of embarassment and humiliation for their parents. How I love to watch this drama.

3.There's no such thing as General Knowledge (GK) anymore
I used to have a GK class once a weak in school, they used to teach us anything and everything that is general and enhances knowledge and there was a test for that as well (I was "cool" enough to think that it was stupid even back then) now you have google for that and everyone knows how to use it and nothing is general anymore, what was general before is exclusive now and viceversa. People can and have to know only what interests or affects them. I cant even imagine life without google.

4.Basic Humanity is visible
people are much nicer now, I have some real mean older relatives to say this for a fact. People may not keep in touch as much (everyones so busy apparently, hence they will only press "like" on your every FB profile pic) but they are pleasant when they meet each other in person. Employees are treated in much more polite and decent manner (even if they are excruciatingly dumb). People in the service industry (waiters, house maids, etc) are treated with respect now. People dont judge others based on their color/nationality or religeon, not openly atleast. In short, we are living in a much lesser hostile environment than 20 years ago.

5. Show of wealth
I knew people who were filthy rich but noone wud have eva guessed that by looking at them, if you were rich, then thats one thing you would hide the most.but now everyone acts like they cud make a cigarette out of a 20 KD note and fag it off n not care a bit. nobody knows if they r actually Uncle Scrooge's nephews or what, but they all act like that. In a way its good and bad, good coz generally everyones seen as well off or are working hard towards getting there and bad coz if u r not so and not working hard enough too, then u r just in the grind pretending all the time.

6. Celebrations
Whether its a simple birthday, some festival or a wedding, earlier people used to come together and celebrate like it matters, now its more of a source of irritation. Its seen as a time when ull have to meet ur relatives, make small talk, be nice, smile, throw compliments in random directions and die bit by bit waiting for the "food is served" announcement. There was a time when ppl used to flock into our house on Eid (my Eidy collections were the highest in the neighborhood) but not any more (Eidy-recession). Things r laid back and simpler, ppl prefer to celebrate in their own style with ppl who matter to them, but i miss the old days.

These and so many other things like, ppl are more informed, less wasteful, more civil, less loud, healthier, more competitive, more creative and more stressed out. And as a person I have too seen a lot of changes in myself, over the years and sometimes over a weak or a day. And I guess, thats what makes living so much fun :D

Bridezilla

So there may not be any wedding invitation cards printed yet, but the wedding is on the cards. Hence, unlike the usual girl specimen, I will not get paranoid and act all hysterical. Instead, I have decided to compeletely act indifferent to the whole preperation scene in order to avoid the stress and drama. but how many times can u actually do things that you want to, given an Indian household scenerio and a town full of people who pray day and night for my big day to arrive soon?? close to negative 100 number of times is the answer!!

So, why am I like this?

To begin with, I dunno the date, month or even the year so please dont think am the most unfortunate girl on the planet coz, I am not. I am not waiting night and day for my "baraat" to arrive at the door...I have better things to do, I have a job where my boss treats me like the most brightest human being in the world and I am respected for my opinions (even when I say things like- that shirt is ugly!! or why dont u just take a long leave?). Now I really dunno how many decades it will take before I know whats sposed to be even said in my hubbys house (given a situation) or whether my opinion is even required. Now you cant be excited or depressed about what may or may not happen in the future...hence the indifference for the time being.(to begin with, I dont even know their language so well)

>>>Yet, every now and then am advised to not act this way or that way and this will not work in the new house and why I should be less dramatic and more pleasant, less critical and more appreciating, laugh softly, talk less, etc etc... Am not that outrageous you know.

Secondly, I honestly suck at cooking!! (the truth needs to be told) I have tried and failed several times. I can cook, wihout burning the house... but the condition of the kitchen after am done is exactly the same as it was after tsunami hit the coast of Thailand. And the resultant food has something or the other that makes my dads stomach sick for two days, but he always praises and appreciates. On the other hand my mom refuses to put it in her mouth. There was once a 4 member panel discussion on- why my rotis never turn round and fully cooked, but what can I do?? if am sucha disappointment. I dunno if my mother in law is gonna be supportive or agitated. I tell myself that once I have the motivation to please people through cooking (or starvation) I will eventually learn, so no point fretting!!

>>>Yet, my mom constantly asks me to take a one month leave to learn to cook (can u beleive that??)..n my some aunty says, its utmost important that I learn to make samosas for the sake of family pride and honour (what will they say if they come to know u cant make samosa?... Omg!! the sky will fall). And even 12 yr old girls can make roti...whats wrong with you? (forgive me for am roti dyslexic :S)

Then there are those frequent reminders to finally start shopping for the things to wear before-during-after the wedding. you are being consulted on the colors-style-comfort-budget-shit&blah. As a person who does nothing but wandering the malls and browsing through every wedding picture ever uploaded on facebook, I dont think I need your guidance through this quest for finding a dress that I'd wear for few hours and protect till the rest of my life. And no I have not finalized on any theme for any of the functions (only if there was a theme called - "get over with it already!!"). If its my wedding and I myself ain't half bit worried abt what am gonna wear, then why is it a major world issue?? ill deal with it wen I have to. And its not coz I dont care, its just coz I dont want to buy that dress in advance and spoil it by getting all dressed up every time am depressed or extremely happy (am fully aware of my abnormalities).

>>> yet I have ppl who have volunteered to take me shopping, some even to shop on my behalf (like ill eva let that happen).FYI- My mothers having sleepless nights and this is one of the hundred reasons why. esp. since everybody who will be at the wedding (even the new borns and unborns!!) know what they ill wear except for me.shoot me!! for my top most worry at the momeent is how am I going to handle my dupatta on daily basis.

Then the bitter truth is that, am not living a rockstar lifestyle rite now. its pretty much like no where to go on the weekends apart from groccery shopping with mom n dad and ofcourse wandering the malls with my girl friends. You cant go to movies, beach, fine dining, or a party as all these things have turned into a "couple's thing" at my age, and hence why a long disctance relationship nightmare... So whteva that is that ill do later cant get any worse than this. And since it only gets better y bother obsessing about the life -shaadi ke baad?


>>yet there are some of you, who tell me that is this is the time to rock while am still a free bird and how lifes gonna be on the rocks later ....and this is it, if i dont live it up right now am so gonna regret later. And these very same people guide me through all the above mentioned topics, the very next minute. So they ask me to take it easy and relax and at the same time they want to be paranoid and hysterical... like really?? what exactly do u want me to do?? and how will that effect your life??

Its not even funny anymore!!! I keep telling "the fiance" that we should elope, he thinks am being funny (talk about communication gap). But tht seems like the most easiest get away from the whole wedding prep nightmare.

About the marital life, whatever tht ill happen is destined to happen whether for good or bad.. !! And,I cant change myself now to be some one later!!.

***!!Thts rite!! am a Bridezilla for all the wrong reasons***

who will tell them??

You know the times when all the cells in your body want you to stop what you're doing and go ahead and do something to knock sense into someone.. (ourageous to some but meaningful to others, based on differences in perception), But your mind says "no" as your family reputation or job or facial structure is at stake and decicde against it and do nothing instead. That's when you think about that incident and wonder....I could have saved the World from this attrocity if I was not sucha coward. Hence therefore, to pacify your inner revoluionary self you choose to blog about it:


1. Like the time I landed in India, at the Ahmedabad Airport and saw my well built cab driver wearing a baby pink t-shirt with "chick rules" written on it in a darker pink (n like every other driver his name was also- Raju). Obviously Raju had no idea whats wrong with that. But I chose not too point it out, coz obviously 90% chances are that he will get offended- A un-subtle messagge that I got from his "Main hoon Don" ringtone and silver bracelets and chains and also coz I dint want to be stranded on the way in some jungle.


2. Then there was the time when my friend was shamelessly laughing out loud (FYI- not giggles but real uproaring laughter) at her wedding while her relatives weeping (I swear, I'd heard sobs)for she was leaving, her family n all her relatives
(1000 or so) n friends behind to go to a different country forever- A serious case of misplaced emotions. I understand that, you just cant cry when you're extremely happy n finally getting to get the hell out of Kuwait... but come on!!!! keeping a straight face was not so much to ask for...atleast for the sake of movie recording. There were whispers from various aunties and uncles into my ears to request her to not act that way, making a mockery of her entire clan/customs/nation, obviously I could not shake n slap her to make her cry instantly, instead I made a mental note that, When my time comes, I will watch a movie in my head, the saddest one ever!!to look sad (tere naam was shortlisted...the scene where he crawls to the temple saying that he just cant take it any more, OMG its just too sad)


3. Then there are those people, I dunno who in the world will have enough courage and strength to tell them that-“we don’t want to talk to ur infants on the phone”. It’s so mind numbingly irritating when people do that. U call n they put the receiver on their baby’s drooling mouth.n u just can’t do anything about it. Its cute n all, (only if u say so) but really!! Do u want me to strike a conversation with something like- “goo goo gaa gaa…akhu angu?” (Translated as: I dunno why my mom/dad put me through this?) by saying- “hooba hooba akhu gee gee goo gaa?” (Translated as: I dunno why I call your Looney parents?). Please don’t do this to us, especially not on international calls n especially not when your kids can’t even form words. May be I don’t get it coz I don’t have enough motherly feelings for this yet and most happiness I get is from sales and paintball. Hence, I choose to be a silent sufferer with ocassional "Aaww" (translated as AArgh!!")


4. Have you met them?? These people who always and forever say: "I am so busy" over n over again. My question to you is :
Q1 If you are so busy how do you get the time to say "am busy" over n over again?? and
Q2 How is it possible. if you are so busy doing things all the time, How come it never gets over? (either you are doing it wrong or you have no idea what you r doing).
Q3 Do u think u r God or something?
I have decided to compeletely ignore the likes of you coz when you say "I am so busy" it kind of makes me look like the loser who has nothing to do, obviously not so much of a boost for my self respect. And have to mention that, I have exceptional time management skills.


5.The next category of ppl,"the aunties" who try to hint some double meaning dirty talk all the time....like for example..they ask- ( Note: Am being decent with the examples)
A. "Did your fiance call...whats he saying??" followed by a wink and an uncalled for short act on wht he must've said and how I must 've reacted..or
B. "have u prepared for dubai?" in a husky voice and the worst one
C. "hows your Fiancehhh" with an elbow poke.
I am sorry aunty for you make me uncomfortable and I badly want to scream "stop it Aunty!!!" Instead the wiser thing to do is to silently pray that they find their next victim soon real soon.


I hope all of you mentioned above are reading and will get a hint. And please take no offence...am only a very keen observer of "Disturbing Human Behaviour" continuously trying to provide contributions towards the betterment of the society. Also,I allow this blog post to be used as refernce for Psycho-analytical studies or by the Law Enforcement looking out for newer torture techniques.

Movies ruined my life

As my most cherished early memories from childhood is my dad taking me to watch "Khalnayak", n the most depressing one being-how much I cried when I came home from school and half of "chameli ki shaadi" was already over ;((it was brutal, I had only seen it 50 number of times), you can prolly imagine how filmy I am.

Then there were the times when the very thaught of me breaking into a dance routine would irritate my brother (which was later subdued to breaking into a random song). As time passed I evolved, I became more creative, a friend of mine n me (I know shes reading this) even made a fruit basket out of carved out watermelon to place on our heads and dance like SriDevi did in Mr. India (-please youtube "hawa hawai" for reference.) Later in life my days used to pass solely by making outrageously non-sensical parodies of all the hindi movie songs (thankfully I kept them to myself)....The point being I used to watch a lot of movies, no hindi movie went unseen before my eyes. Its amazing how I compeleted school and college with that kind of lifestyle.

But Alas!! I grew up, theres not enough time n not enough patience. But whatever I do, wherever I am.. I can pick a hindi movie reference for that situation and start expecting things to happen that way....which ofcouse does not happen...n hence therefore are born the disappointments of my disappointing life:

1.Like everytime am at the airport, till the time when the flights about to take off....I secretly hope someones moving mountains to reach there and stop me, just to confess his love which he realised last minute(also managing to make life long friendship/ gaining respect of the traffic police and airport officials while at it).stupid loser that he is, but ill love him in return eventually. Obviously nothing as such is ever going to happen, yet I expect.

2.This happens to me at the hospitals- I feel there should be atleast one assylum in the world where there is atleast one person who is mentally unstable and uncurable beyond mediacal miracles just because I rejected his love. Through this blog, I am trying to reach that mental patient...."Dear you, Am engaged!!!". -- But Just one!! is it asking for too much, but none so far.

3. Then there r those "expectation murderer" dates, where everything is just normal. Where it dint rain.. We dint suddenly appear in a desert or near the pyramids just to singa song. And he did not even engage in a fist fight with some gundas who were eyeing my exceptional beauty... or atleast get me some flowers.. or make some out of the way arrangements. atleast, a compliment. I think ill break into a sad song right now while typing this.

4. Thanks to hindi movies, I have this unrealistic optimism and positivity that irritates the crap out of people. No solutions will appear on their own just coz we bore the burdens with a smile. In reality, everyone gets mad at me for wasting their time by my two bits of wisdom borrowed from the movies and every messed up situation is bound to get further messed up. The goodness never really triumphed over evil and the poor never became the masters. I hope u all are happy, now that the world is going to end in 2012 (according to the movie 2012). and then there is this compulsive need to change lives and reach out to ppl BUT almost everyone I tried to reach out to, wanted to be left alone. n pleaded me to give up on them.burn u all.

5.My scientific and religeous beleifs are a bit screwed up as well...like all r supposed to turn into a star after dieing (its not scientifically un-proven yet), my dead grandma will be reborn as my daughter some day (who knows for sure??) And the wisdom that I recevied from 500 or so hindi movies that,Marriages are made in heaven...then why is dere a shaadi.com??? y wont God just destroy tht website with a stroke of lightening ???.Then there is the most important blackmaiil technique- The God blackmail, u tell him if he doesnt do this or that as per your wish or urgency ull never ever set foot in that temple again!! obviously GOd does not give in n hes prolly LOLing@you.

6. Movies have made me emotionally disoriented... It shocks me how so many people watch horror movies, and go home feeling entertained. I just cannot sit thru a horror movie .. n then I stay up for months even if ppl mention that scence from that movie (WAAAAAaaaaaa). ALso, thanks to the movies...I am extremely concious of being branded "FILMY" when attempting a romantic gesture, hence killing the inner need I end up doing nothing at all(bangs head to the walls) n then regretting later. Also crying hysterically while watching a movie, has never earned me any respect in the society. (I had a lump in my throat all thru Tere naam which broke into rivers of tears, n I dint have tissue so I wiped my nose on my sleeves.)why do they do this to us???

And even if something has happened amazingly, I cant help but comment..."this is exactly like in that movie...." Why am i like this?? Why cant I seperate movies from real life and do a big favor on myself and the world around me???

Reasons Why I defriended you on Facebook

Thanks to my unusual powers at observing the usual behaviour, I have noticded that ,more n more people are developing some sort of "Social Networking Disorder" at a very alarming rate and something needs to be done before we start behaving like them, and that we will eventually...coz of the paradox that they r so many and we dont want to be left alone so we mindlessly do wht the rest are doing (the same reason why I gave in and embraced the whole idea of wearing sun glasses inside the mall).

But I will not be a silent sufferer while you drive me nutts through your moronic actions on Facebook. I have to (and will continue to..) DEFRIEND you. If you are reading this, here's why I defriended you on Facebook.

1. Your pictures:
You dont have to capture every moment of your life, you dont need to bore us with 555 albums, most of which will look like- "going for groccery shopping", "waiting for cab", "making dinner", "eating dinner", "blah blah...& shit shit". I dont have those kind of patience yet, especially when all your friends have sworn in to comment atleast 55 times on one pic. n just so I cant ignore it, you tag me in the pics tht am not even in....Its kind of mentally challenging when I have to watch all this while sitting in a brown cubicle and not being able to scream in pain and agony. So I Defriended you.

2. Your status messages:
I hate myself for knowing the kinds of you who feel the need to update the world on every happenings of ur life or describe every passing spectacle that crossed your eyes.. Just FYI, it doesnt make any one think that you are happening, it only confirms how sad you are- thts y I defriended you. what was the deal with updating the status with ur bra color ?? (I'd really want to know how many lives were saved with tht kind of Breast Cancer Awareness) n song lyrics.... really!! be original, be thaught provoking (if not revolutinary).

3. Your invitations:
Those game invitations...I dont care if you get killed by real mafia (higly literally) or if you grow shit in you farm and I hope your fishes get killed by a whale. also, i seriously dont wanna know who viewed my profile!!!!

4. Poke me not:
I view it as someone jumping up and down for attention - a behaviour most similar to my 4 year old cousins. instead I suggest you hit me with a hockey stick when you meet me in person.

5. Tag me not:
I am a normal person all thru the week but the weekends brings out the freak inside me (or the zombie) and just coz you happened to be there with your camera does not mean I must pose. just let me be. half of my frnds dont usually know tht am with the other half and these tags exposes my deception. plus there r work related ppl and in laws related future relatives on FB who must at all times remain oblivious to my "ghetto" lifestyle. (also those uncles who think am sucha bore and hence so adorable). You just could not stop tagging me and I just could not sleep in peace at night so I had to defriend you.

6.You were a newbie:
You were so new to Facebook that you did all of the above mentioned... all at once, instead of shooting myself with my dagger, I chose to defriend you.

7. You were from my hometown:
I love my ppl and my place so much I would take a bullet for Banswara. BUT not add them on Facebook. Just for sake of sanity. A month in a year is enough for all tht I can take... after all, theres a reason why I was raised outside the town. Apologies to the cousins, and their cousins, and their friends and all their parents, I had to defriend you, coz I dint really think before joining facebook that the Facebook revolution will reach my village too.

Even tho I have defriended you, I'd still be civil n nice when we meet in real life. But u must understand..that-Facebook is stupid, but am still on it!! It saves a lot on texting (am not cheap, am wise), it also provides me with the joys of looking at your wedding pics, and your babys pictures and those cute couple poses (mines pending for quite some time now) and how I can call up our mutual friends and laugh my gutts out at your current display pic!!! yes, I know am a horrible horrible person...y dont u go ahead n defriend me.

Bucket list- cheap version

So I am going to turn 25 very soon. SAD coz I am still getting pimples at this age and HAPPY coz due to this people think that I am younger (twisted...I no!!). And thanks to God, by now I have learnt to meet people of all age n sizes with appropriate mannerism (or I like to think so). I have mastered the art of small talk and I no longer abruptly interrupt people when they are killing me with their boring stories nor do I excuse myself for the washroom when it’s being said for the 108th time.

Henceforth the focus is on looking at the big picture- Life's short and possibilities are endless, from here onwards I am going to be in full charge of my happiness and not just wait for things to happen and expect people to change. So Don’t judge me coz it is as good as it can get. I have a bucket list of things to do at some point in my life or in immediate future, as and when the opportunity may arise.

1. Crash an Indian wedding just to eat and dance like crazy.

2. Eat 50 pani puris at once.

3. Engage in a cake throwing brawl. (like in every other Hindi movie of the 90s)

4. Drive an Auto rickshaw

5. Sing in the local train and charge people for that.

6. Wear a tiara to work.

7. Plant a mango tree, and eat the mangoes from that very same tree.

8. Row a boat to catch a fish.

9. Give someone a hair cut.

10. Become a kinder garden teacher.

11. Start a revolution of some kind.

12. Dash into a Hindi movie actor at some airport and act all over excited lunatic. (Anyone will do...even Chunky Pandey/Tushar Kapoor)

13. Own a pet rabbit that I'd call - Hungry Bunny.

14. Bake a cake from scratch

15. Run a marathon

You know your lifes sad when.....

Never in life was I prepared to be this bored and pathetic all at once. Almost all of my good friends have relocated due to work/further studies/marriage. etc. I am stranded in Kuwait...the already socially dead place. Its so sad, that I decided to blog on a Friday night after realising that I can no longer watch tv anymore (I wont be exaggerating if I say that I have a hole in my thumb from flipping channels) and I just cannot speak to one more distant/close relative....Its just not good for their health or mine. And I refuse to go out with the remaining friends that are hell bent on giving me relationship advices that I just dont need (for the sake of sanity).

At a point, I am so bored (actually frustrated) that I have 3 uncompeleted novels since 3 months, 2 brand new shoes unworn since 2 months and 3 pending violin classes since a month. In short, I have lost the interest in things I loved to do.

In my moment of self pity and dispair I thaught and came up with this list, if you relate then please join the club.

You know your lifes sad when:

1. You miss work on weekends.

2. Crazy thaughts like having lots of babies asap cross your mind over n over again.

3. You consider going for groccery shopping with your parents.

4. You exchange numbers with that girl from school you never spoke to rather made fun of.

5. You have a list of places to travel on your dresser mirror that motivates you.

6. Your only inspiration to look fit is to please the dietician.

7. You cry buckets after watching Toy Story 3 and then decide to watch Sex and the city 1 & 2 back to back for the gazillionth time.

8. You fantacize about the trip to the mall on getting the next pay cheque.

9. You look forward to falling asleep the second after a 10 hour long sleep.

10. You change your display picture on Facebook for the fourth time in one month.

11. You consider becoming a teacher.

12. You wonder, what the hell is Rakhi Sawant upto these days.

13. People who ask : "when is your wedding?" actually cause 90% of anxiety and stress in your life. (Its still dont know...get over it will u)

14. You happily take up others assignments at work just to be busy.

15. You have strict zero tolerance policy towards long stories and repetition.

16. You're happy because Desperate Housewife's new season is starting.

17. You have 5 shirts that you burnt while ironing in last three months but u dont throw them. you look at them over and over again to get mad at urself.

18. You wish you had one hindi daily soap that you could follow day in n day out coz they just never get over.

19. You plan and wish for a simple wedding (to be honest its harder than planning a grand wedding)

20. You have a list for everything and anything (for example this one)

I hate Valentine's Day-thts true!!

Three days after the valentine's day and I've realised that after so many years of singledome and a year of engagement-pan...I've grown to hate this day more n more with each passing year. The reason being... I may not light candles and buy heart shaped candies and make heart shaped cards for the "lucky winner". Emotionally handicapped OR Romanticaly challenged..u decide. But deep down I know am waiting to be wooed on this very same day. I may laugh at all those sappy couples who plan n plan for this day n dress up n get all mushy about the overly hyped up- "the candle light dinner" but again deep down I wanna try whats it like (Ok so??we all have double standards.....plz dont judge me-I need red roses...and violins should play in the background while am eating!! *confesses- I even have a pretty red dress saved for this since 3 years *hides face )

But obviously nothing happens!!
I tell myself that he is far...and we are both not the types to find happiness in miniscule things and doing silly lil stuff on Valentine's Day. I like to make myself beleive that we are different and beyond the normalcy that other couples engage in. Which is true . But then why did I feel like killing every girl at work who got flowers delivered in her cubicle (followed by an overly exclaimed AWWWW!!!!!)???...I even got depressed to a point where I thaught of ordering some for myself...and was almost convinced to do so by the end of the day when lillies arrived for the fattest girl on the floor. This is how much this stupid day messes with your head. Sad but true. I have unresolved issues with St. Valentine.

Fight me not.

Just realised, if they ever recruit me in the army my combat techniques would comprise of :
1. Ignoring the Opponent
2. Instant Tear Mechanism
3. Offensive Name calling
4. Beating around the Bush while Dodging the Bullets
5. Kissing Ass

Its so sad!!! the fact that I've lost what I once had-my ability to fight and fight right and giving people what they deserve right there n then. The "snap-slap-STFU" mechanism is no longer in action- it retired . Its the end of an era- The haters may rejoice.


The realization sank in today - narration time- the pantry girl at work got mad at me for not clearly mentioning what I need when I had clearly told her hot choclate milk n she got plane hot choclate!!! she obviously dint hear the milk part. forgiven. but the audacity with which she threw some attitude at me yelling -"you be clear next time OK I dont like thees, you waste my time" pointing her finger n East Asian eyes n nose at me totally freaking me out (so much that I could only respond by blogging here, where she will never read) n I apologized to her and she walked off without acknowledging it. I told myself, may be shes having a bad day- then she returns with the right order n I smile wide thanking her n I ask her "how r u ??" she replies: "You waste my time, I am busy"n I say sorry again ...she- walks off.


OMG!! I cant stand this indifference from the pantry girl, I swear to god I got a lump in my throat ready to burst into tears. I could not tell her anything and my brain was formulating ways to kiss her ass and make her like me. Instead of asking her to do her work right I was blaming myself for not repeating the order. I wanted to give her the tried and tested glare and tear her apart with my snide remarks (strictly literally). Which I dint. But I wish I had coz the word is out and everybodys talkign abt it with me as the "evil vamp" anyways. (office gossip is the saddest form of gossips. period.)


Fighting is not the ultimate solution. And I am not referring to anything that might include nunchuks, knives, AK 47, taekwando etc. but only the socially accepted kind of evil cunnyving manipulations that humans engage in, that leads to angry confrontations through excessive usage of verbal abuse or cold silent treatmennt (much more dangerous). But you have got to fight when you have to fight. Sometimes, just to be taken seriously or even when it doesnt benefit anyone..sometimes you got to fight for someone else who can't, sometimes you just have to support the ones you love when they are at it.


I feel I have lost the will to even try. Infact, I pray that sucha situation never comes up where I am asked to take sides or where I am asked for an honest opinion which may lead to a fight (to be honest, nobody really needs an honest opinion yet they keep asking for one :S). In school I was a fiesty tigeress , I had once even slapped a junior (not too proud of it) for a reason so silly that its best unmentioned. Later, in college I was the kind who would be triggered if messed with but other wise your good old "agony aunt" (again, not too proud of it) But not anymore. Something killed the old me, for better or for worse-only time will show!! But rite now I miss her! I miss her lots!!